Forgiveness Was the One Thing I Didn't Want God to Ask of Me

There are some blog posts that are easy to write.

This isn't one of them.

If I'm being completely honest, I've gone back and forth about whether I should even share this.

Not because I'm ashamed.

But because vulnerability is uncomfortable.

And forgiveness?

Forgiveness asks us to become vulnerable in ways we'd often rather avoid.

Lately, I have felt God gently…but persistently…bringing one word back into my life.

Forgiveness.

Not once.

Not twice.

Over and over again.

And if I'm honest...

I've been resisting it.

The Kind of Hurt That Doesn't Just Go Away

Like many of you, I've experienced relationships that left wounds.

People I trusted.

People I thought were cheering me on.

People who made me question myself.

People who made me feel like I needed to shrink parts of who I was so they could feel more comfortable.

Some of those moments happened years ago.

Yet somehow, they still found their way into my thoughts.

Maybe you've experienced something similar.

Not because you're trying to stay bitter...

But because hurt has a way of quietly replaying itself when it hasn't fully healed.

The Conversation God Keeps Having With Me

For a long time, whenever these people came to mind, I'd replay conversations.

I'd think of what I should have said.

I'd imagine how differently things could have gone.

Sometimes I'd even tell someone else about it.

And if I'm really being honest...

There were moments it wasn't simply "venting."

It was gossip.

Ouch.

That's a hard sentence to write.

But if I'm asking God to transform my heart, I have to be willing to call things by their proper name.

Conviction isn't comfortable.

But it is freeing.

Something Started Changing

Recently, I've noticed something different happening.

The same people still come to mind.

But instead of immediately feeling angry...

I feel God asking me a different question.

"What if you looked at them through My eyes?"

Not to excuse what happened.

Not to pretend it didn't hurt.

Not to invite unhealthy relationships back into my life.

Simply...

To remember they are human too.

That doesn't erase the pain.

But it changes the posture of my heart.

I've started realizing something that has humbled me deeply.

I've hurt people before too.

Maybe not intentionally.

Maybe I never even knew.

But haven't I hoped someone would extend grace to me when I fell short?

Why would I withhold the very grace I've been given?

Forgiveness Doesn't Mean Forgetting

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about forgiveness is that it means pretending everything is okay.

It doesn't.

Forgiveness isn't saying the hurt didn't matter.

Forgiveness isn't removing healthy boundaries.

Forgiveness isn't giving someone unlimited access to your life.

Sometimes wisdom says a relationship should remain at a distance.

Forgiveness simply means I no longer want bitterness to have authority over my heart.

Those are two very different things.

The Part That Feels Scary

Here's where this gets real.

There's a very good chance I'll be in the same room as some of these people again.

Soon.

And if you'd asked me a year ago how I would've felt about that...

I probably would've said, "No thanks."

But today...

While I'm still nervous...

I'm also praying something different.

"Lord, soften my heart."

Not because they deserve it.

Because I want to live more like Christ.

I don't want my hurt to have the final say.

I want Christ to.

Walking the Walk

It's easy to talk about forgiveness.

It's much harder to live it.

I can write encouraging posts.

I can talk about grace.

I can teach about surrender.

But eventually...

God lovingly asks,

"Will you live the words you're speaking?"

That question has been sitting with me for weeks.

Because if I truly believe Christ forgave me while I was still far from Him, then I want my life to reflect that same grace…even when it's difficult.

Am I there yet?

No.

Not completely.

And maybe that's the part someone reading this needs to hear.

Forgiveness isn't always a single decision.

Sometimes it's a daily surrender.

Sometimes it's waking up and saying,

"God... I still don't know how to do this. But I'm willing to let You keep working on my heart."

What Courage Looks Like

This month's reflection asked:

"What is one step of faith God may be inviting me to take right now, even if it feels uncomfortable?"

For me...

It isn't starting something new.

It isn't launching another offering.

It isn't standing on a stage.

It's forgiveness.

Quiet.

Hidden.

Messy.

Holy forgiveness.

The kind only Christ can grow inside a heart that's willing to surrender.

I don't know exactly what those future conversations will look like.

Maybe there won't be any.

Maybe there will.

But I do know this...

I don't want to carry bitterness into whatever God has planned next.

Because bitterness keeps me looking backward.

Forgiveness allows me to keep walking forward.

If You're Struggling Too...

Maybe your story looks different than mine.

Maybe the names are different.

Maybe the hurt is deeper.

Maybe the wounds are fresh.

Or maybe you've been carrying them for years.

My prayer isn't that you force yourself to forgive overnight.

My prayer is simply that you'd be willing to ask God the same prayer I've been asking Him:

"Lord... soften my heart."

Because I've learned something over the past few weeks.

Forgiveness isn't really about setting someone else free.

It's about allowing Christ to continue setting me free.

And maybe... that's what courage looks like.

Not pretending the pain never happened.

Not pretending you've already arrived.

But choosing, every single day, to surrender your heart to the One who knows how to heal it.

And that's a freedom I'm finally ready to receive. 🤍